I’ve told my husband a million times that I am not, not, NOT okay with him making expenses for his stupid job. It takes him forever to put in for reimbursement, whereupon it takes his jackass boss months to pay us back, and I wind up having to play the roll of collections company. “Did you get the money from Jackass boss?” “Have you put in for reimbursement from Jackass boss?” “Has Jackass boss paid us back yet?” It’s exhausting and unfair to me, and his stupid boss really ought to just get a damned company credit card so that his employees can make these expenses on the company dime and not have to worry about reimbursement.
I caught him making expenses for his job again a few weeks ago. I confronted him about it, about why he keeps on doing it when he knows I am absolutely not okay with it. He shrieked at me like a little boy, “BECAUSE IT’S MY MONEY AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT!!!” He seems to not understand that his money needs to go towards paying rent and other bills same as my money does.
Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. If all goes well, I am approximately halfway to holding baby Ivy or Constantine in my arms, and a mere 3-4 weeks away from the point where baby could potentially be saved if born premature.
I continue to deal with my separation. Everyone I have talked to feels that I am doing the right thing given the circumstances. I have my up days and my down days. Husband says that he doesn’t want to lose me, but shows no interest in making the changes to his life that I’ve asked him to make. I’ve reached the sad conclusion that he doesn’t love me anymore. He says he does, and I have no doubt that he has strong feelings for me, but he is completely uninterested in translating those feelings into action. And that isn’t love.
I just keep trying to think positive and visualize. Me, my daughter, my baby, the job I want to have, making a daycare routine work, living in a clean and uncluttered apartment. I’m going to make it happen.
I am doing surprisingly okay for a pregnant woman who just decided to separate from her husband of 9 years. In the past few days, I have:
- Taken my husband off of our joint checking account. As much as all of this hurts, it is a huge relief to look into my bank account and only see the charges that I know should be there.
- Begun applying for jobs.
- Applied for a few social welfare programs (WIC, food pantries, SNAP, TANF). I do have a small nest egg in the bank, and I will have an income of about ~$1000 a month from other sources, but sad experience has taught me that it’s much easier to get help with food than it is with cash or rent, so I need to supplement with food as much as possible in order to make my cash last as long as possible. My hope is that my use of these programs will be extremely temporary, and that is kind of what they’re there for.
- Had an offer from a friend to take out a small loan so that I can get my own car. I’m determined to have this be a loan and not a hand-out, so I’m not taking it until I have a job lined up.
Sadly, my extended family has been incredibly unhelpful. I live in Illinois and they live in Washington state, and most of them have been like, “You should just pack it up and move back to Washington.” Um… why? Are jobs easier to find there? Are apartments easier to get into? If you guys won’t cosign for me here, then why would you if I’m there? Everybody there has a full-time job and I won’t be getting much help on raising the children, so I don’t see why I would be better off there than here. I do get that they would love to see my children more often, but that helps them, not me.
Besides, I don’t have any interest in taking the children away from DH. DD loves her daddy and would miss him horribly, and other than sucking at providing for his children and giving their money away to his freeloading friends, he is an incredibly good father who loves to spend time with his kids.
I also have a lot of hope that this experience is going to teach him to grow up and be more financially responsible, whereupon we could reconcile. DH has already signed up for his own checking account so that I can transfer over our regular insurance and IPASS (tollway) charges. I honestly thought I was going to have to twist his arm to get him to do that like I usually do with anything involving money. There is hope.
Hey men: do not be this
DH and I have been married for almost 9.5 years. We married when I was 21 and he was 22. Truth be told, he has always been a little on the immature and naive side, but I have stuck with him because of his many other good qualities (and he does have many). But having to always be the only responsible adult in our family has been a recurring headache.
Periodically, DH has done something extremely immature and irresponsible that just made me want to scream “WTF?!” I don’t even say the F-word–it’s on my no-no-list–but he makes me want to say it. For example, last year, he spent a large chunk of the money in our bank account on work expenses without telling me. He did this on the first of the month, right as our rent was due. I looked in the account on the 3rd or so and was shocked to find that there wasn’t enough money in there to cover rent. I was livid. It takes his boss forever to reimburse us on work expenses and I’ve told him a million times I don’t want him making them, but he keeps doing it. (His irresponsible boss could be the subject of a whole other post.) And he did not even tell me about this large expense. Had our landlady tried to cash the rent check, it would have bounced. How is it that I am married to a 31 year-old man who does not understand why paying rent on-time is important, or why reporting large expenditures to the person who does the budget is important?