An Open Letter to My Cramps

Dear Cramps,

From about the time of menarche until July 2009, you were one of my oldest acquaintances, serving as the herald for the witch that you work for. It was kind of like you were the Silver Surfer, and the witch was Galactus the Devourer of Worlds. Once you showed up, I knew that your master wasn’t all that far behind, and that I would be powerless to resist. I was never wont to complain about you though, because you were never all that annoying, and I was always very private about the visits of your master when I was younger. I was resolved to my fate, so I figured, why whine about it? Such was my Stoicism at the time.

And then I discovered this beautiful little contraption known as the Mirena Intrauterine System. It was like the Fantastic Four for my uterus! I had it installed in July 2009, whereupon the pair of you were soundly defeated, and I hardly knew anything of either of you for the next 3.5 years. This may hurt your feelings, but you were not missed.

Alas, I had the Mirena removed on November 26th, whereupon you had your revenge in the form of two straight weeks of daily cramps. Then I was (mostly) free of you for the days leading up to my last ovulation on December 28th. But these past couple of days, you have returned with a vengeance, even though I am still about a week away from the visit of your master. Not only that, but instead of being my usual back cramps, you are manifesting in the form of pinching, frontal, abdominal cramps, and you are around a lot more, too.

So, here is my request for you:

(1) Please be the herald of something other than your master. Or in other words, if you are here now because there is a new human being growing inside of me, you are welcome to stay! The Silver Surfer freed himself from the power of Galactus and became a warrior for something much more benign and noble, and you can, too!

(2) If there is no baby growing inside of me, then please, go away. Your presence is neither wanted nor needed. Come back this weekend and bring Galactus with you so that I can try my hand at creation once more later this month.

Hopefully Yours,


Categories: Trying To Conceive | Leave a comment

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